Nemo James

Those Damn Pipes

Song Not Yet Released

The first time that I saw you, I’m afraid it must be said
The thought of a life together was furthest from my head
It’s not that you weren’t pretty, in a spooky kind of way
It was just those damn bagpipes that you said you had to play

I don’t claim to be an expert in matters of the ear
But sanity is of those things that I do hold most dear
The noises that come out of that bag of windy pain
Is of those things I prayed that I would never hear again

Chorus
Those damn pipes, they’re driving me insane
I’ve tried almost everything, like leaving them in the rain
Those damn pipes are indestructible
I would give most anything to not see them again

She knows that I would like a pet, a cat or dog would do
And if she was being honest, she would like one too
I did bring home a cat one day, a ball of furry sweet
But one note from those bagpipes and it ran off down the street

A thousand curses to the man who invented that machine
Designed to torture eardrums, it’s every sadist’s dream
But as it makes her happy, I’ll grin and bear the pain
And if she does grow tired of it, I’ll open some champagne

THE STORY BEHIND THE SONG

In the 1980s, I had a residency for a few weeks in a restaurant near Trafalgar Square called The Caledonian Rooms. It was a huge venue with a Scottish theme. It was hell. Every night, coachloads of tourists were dumped at round tables in front of us, and they were all given a party horn. They sound like kazoos, and when you blow into them, a paper tube flies out, creating one of the most irritating noises known to man. Imagine hundreds of those being blown at the same time while you are trying to play music.
Just before the addressing of the haggis, a Scottish piper walked slowly to the front of the stage and continued to play for five long minutes. In the open air, and especially in the distance they can be quite magical, but when the distance is only one metre, they have a tendency to enter each ear and explode somewhere in the centre of your head.