I was one of the most dedicated musicians that ever lived and practised to the point where I could play any piece of music put in front of me. The problem was most of the music put in front of me could have been played by first year guitar students. It is  like mastering calculus and the only job you can get is copying out the times table. The one consolation (apart from the money of course) was that after putting my guitar playing fingers into autopilot I got to indulge in one of my favourite pastimes which was to watch people dancing.

You can tell a lot about people by the way they dance and I am surprised psychiatrists waste so much time talking to patients when all they need to do is watch them dancing. Here are 13 types of dancers I discovered over the years.

  1. The Alcoholic
    He will interrupt his dancing and say something in his wife’s ear before walking towards the toilets. At the last minute he takes a detour to the bar and knocks back a couple of whiskies before returning to his wife via the toilets.
  1. The Farter
    His friends know he has a problem with flatulence so any nasty smells are likely to have emanated from him so his wife has given him strict instructions to control himself. Easily recognisable by his clenched buttocks and a reluctance to make any sudden movements.
  1. The Exhibitionist
    The dancer will be continually be looking around to see if they are being watched. When they catch someone’s attention they will make a funny face and wave their arms effectively saying “look at me, I’m a real party animal.” If they can’t get anyone’s attention within ten minutes they return to their table.
  1. The Show Off
    Thinks he’s John Travolta but looks more like John the pole vaulter.
  1. The Tight-Arse
    He will spend most of the time on the dance floor and return to his table just after someone has bought a round of drinks.
  1. The Professional
    Serious but boring couples often found shouting at each other because one of them made a move that wasn’t rehearsed.
  1. The Martial Artist
    Usually a lower grade karate student who is desperate to show he does karate and so has superhuman powers. It is possible to predict the exact grade of a student by how subtly they blend punching or kicking into the dance. The more obvious the karate movements, the lower the grade.
  1. The Self Conscious
    They are convinced that all 500 people at the venue are making judgments about their dancing.
  2. The Press Ganged
    Always male. He moves with short movements from side to side and hands in front of him like he is almost playing a piano. He hates dancing and only does it to please his wife.
  1. The Flirt
    Usually found amongst the female of the species as men have trouble multitasking. She will skilfully dance with her partner whilst giving the eye to someone else. The trick is to wait until her partner looks away, wiggle to the side, smile at the target and then spin around to face her partner again without him noticing. Advanced users of this method can even be seen giving out phone numbers to lip readers.
  1. The Dysfunctional
    There is nothing more painful to watch than someone dancing who has absolutely no sense of rhythm.
  1. The Fashion Conscious
    Usually found in heels so high that dancing is almost impossible. Easy to spot as they are continually grimacing with pain. I have seen women actually fall off their shoes while dancing and even know one woman that broke her ankle.
  1. The Gifted
    This is a rare species and I have fond memories of their dance movements decades after seeing them. They have a true love of dancing and move to the music as if they were one with it but with movements that are entirely unique to them. They have a look of pure joy and happiness on their face as if music is the most important thing in the world.

So which one are you ?

Can you think of any other kinds of dancers?

Facebook your friends and tell them what kind of dancers you think they are!

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